AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
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A drum solo but on your face.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Boom, boom, ching!
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person