[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
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*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?