The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
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*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you