Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
You Might Also Like
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history