15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
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Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
True.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
E
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ᴱ
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*