i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
You Might Also Like
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates