ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
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Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
can’t catch a break
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Muppet Screams
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
My dating profile:
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.