“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
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No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop