Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
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running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.