Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
How can I say no to this ?
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Are you ok, human???
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*