I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
You Might Also Like
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Usage Guidelines
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”