Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
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All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Well well well…
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?