[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
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THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
it must be school picture day
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.