*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
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People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.