Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
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I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.