Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
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*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Cheers Twitter.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
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