nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
You Might Also Like
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids