My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
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Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT