Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
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Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.