Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
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“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.