But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
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Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
ready to be harvested
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again