I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
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Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.