I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
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just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.