What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
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The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.