next level snooze
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What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.