My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
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Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
This is what makes twitter great
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
😏😏😏
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said