If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
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DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
had to make it
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
What is going on? 😅
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?