so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
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I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.