My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
You Might Also Like
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Need this in my life lol
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
FINE, I WON’T.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.