Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
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No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
peak technology
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!