At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
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People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.