I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
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Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Ain’t no way
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
jesus, what did this guy do
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me