Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
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[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?