Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
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Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.