When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
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I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.