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“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Grandmother clock.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.