Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.