a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
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Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
My time has come.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.