I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
You Might Also Like
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above