i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
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When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
*weighs self after shaving
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
#Caturday
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?