Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
You Might Also Like
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.