Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
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My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
are there any atheist mantises?
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
so weird how every mom was born today
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”