[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
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I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.