lmao
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Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want