“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
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[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Rt to bother an English speaker
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.