When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
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*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.