If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
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You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
My patronus is a cheeseburger
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change