You Might Also Like
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.