👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
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Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
*eats only grass-fed donuts
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔