does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
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Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Extremely relatable.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean